Why Not to Cry in Public: 12 Reasons

Cryers of the world are continually asking themselves why not to cry in public. What’s wrong with it? Since there is such confusion in a small but important sector of the population, I have compiled twelve closely considered arguments addressing why not to cry in public.

  • First of all, it’s a bit over-done, don’t you think?  (I’m thinking of weddings and funerals and christenings and baptisms and all the various award ceremonies).
  • Second, it makes people around you uncomfortable because they don’t know what comes next.
  • Third, you end up going a lot of places alone (unless you like that).
  • Fourth, your tissue usage rate increases so that you end up supporting the paper product companies more than a really green person wants to.
  • Fifth, your sympathy cohort is age five and under, and they tend to stare.
  • Sixth, it makes you feel kind of sick for a while afterwards, with the attendant dehydration and all.
  • Seventh, loud criers have a distinct pitch of their own and few are able to match it to common household motorized machines.  Think of the dissonance going on in a given kitchen.
  • Eighth, if you cry at unpredictable moments, you could find yourself incapable of crying when it really counts.
  • Ninth, our culture prefers fists, knives, and guns.  Just watch a few TV shows and you’ll figure this out.
  • Tenth, you don’t get no respect.
  • Eleventh, it’s hard to multi-task while crying.  It can be done, but your boss probably won’t give you a raise for achieving it.
  • Twelfth, it’s not on the Hollywood list of accomplishments to promote among stars.  They expect them to dance, sing, make jokes, eat bugs, do dangerous sports–all while attempting complicated sexual liaisons–but no one requires a movie-star to multi-task while crying.  I dare you.  Name one who can do it.